Hard to Love
January 14, 2017
The day after Christmas, we piled the dog, the kid, and many of our earthly treasures into my 12-year-old Subaru and headed up to Matt’s parents’ house to celebrate the holiday with his family. It was a tight fit. Getting out of the house was, as always, fraught with anxiety for me. We were staying ...
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Sixteen Months
January 1, 2017
Dear Leo, You turn 16 months old today, and I find that totally astonishing. I realize that your Dada and I will be putting 16 candles on a cake for you before we know it. I will try not to cry or lash out in my frustration that I can’t slow down time and hold ...
Read postLet me tell you about my son
December 31, 2016
I started this post right after I published a post in July. And here we are, more than five months later. I can’t emphasize enough that time is a black hole when you have a child and two careers and a household to run and a special needs dog and you travel for your job ...
Read postAccustomed to privilege
December 30, 2016
Our bedroom is illuminated by a single red light bulb in a lamp on the dresser as I contort my body to slip out of bed. It is not quite 4:00 AM. Green curtains are drawn over mini blinds against the dark and cold outside, and steam from the humidifier billows into the air. The ...
Read postIt is what it is and time marches on
July 1, 2016
When you first have a baby, lots of well-meaning but annoying people tell you to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” It seems like good advice, except it’s presumptuous and—like most things in life—parenting advice is not one-size-fits-all. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa.1 In those early days when people ...
Read postGAD and the art of refusing to remain positive
January 22, 2016
The first mental health diagnosis I ever received was “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” or GAD. Oh my GAD, I’m so anxious I can barely function! I was diagnosed at 21 by my then-therapist: a thin, bespectacled man named Bill. I was on government assistance, and he was assigned to me through the county’s mental health agency, which ...
Read postLife in snippets
November 8, 2015
Ten weeks ago I was furiously cleaning my house in anticipation of possibly going into labor, though I had no idea that I would actually give birth in just a couple of days. My swollen feet matched my ripe belly, and I was fueled purely by frustration. I did not love being pregnant. I did ...
Read postdepression followup
August 7, 2015
Following my last post, I feel compelled to point out that my struggle with depression and the care I receive for it are well established. That is, depression in our household is as banal as any of our other life realities. We buy grain free dog food, the trash gets picked up on Fridays, and—sometimes ...
Read postTastes Like Ashes
August 3, 2015
There’s this scene from the movie Melancholia where chronically-depressed character Justine (Kiersten Dunst) tries to sit down to a nice dinner with her sister’s family. She’s as optimistic as she can manage, given that she’s been in bed depressed, unable to bathe or function. She smilingly takes a bite and begins chewing, but her face changes almost ...
Read postThe inebriation indoctrination
June 27, 2015
A few months ago, I experienced an apt juxtaposition of God and the messiness of life, and the way it all fits together beautifully—even the ugly stuff. Before we get into that, we should probably back up a few years. It was the summer of 2010 and I was struggling to find my footing in ...
Read postCongrats, you made it to the end! Once more with feeling.