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Pantsless Weirdo


Unfocused Essays from My Basement

Not that kind of person

I’m not that kind of person. I would never do that. Growing up, we were warned incessantly with the click of a tongue and side-cast eyes, if you judge it, you’re gonna walk it. Mama would quietly but emphatically remind us to be careful with our words. She knew well that humble pie had a lingering bitter …

Explanatory Interlude

Depression often comes with a variety of side effects, none of which are consistent across sufferers, or even across depressive bouts experienced by the same person. Depression might manifest this time with a large helping of anger and frustration, while next time it could come with a side of inconsolable crying, and the time after …

Vagina havingness

Vagina havingness is a condition that affects around half of the world’s population. It is a tricky predicament in that vaginas and their auxiliary parts are simultaneously delicate and tyrannical. Caring for that whole system is sort of like caring for a terrarium or a saltwater fish tank in that the meticulous attention required to keep …

Humor Tools

For many of us, humor is our survival kit, loaded with all the tools we need to stay alive and functional. We drag it around with us and pull out various items as necessary, mechanisms we use to avoid making everyone around us uncomfortable. Unadulterated sadness, anguish, and despair makes human squirmy and so we …

Christmas porn

I think I’ve mentioned before that the holidays were always a little strange for my sisters and me growing up. Sometimes we spent Christmas with our dad in Illinois while our mom stayed behind in Georgia. She was always incredibly sad about the holidays anyway, having lost her own parents tragically and having no real …

couch surfing

Ten years ago, I was semi-homeless in the Quad Cities and had been that way for months. Since the end of the previous summer, I had been staying wherever anyone would let me crash. Most of what I owned I kept in a large duffel bag that was stashed either wherever I happened to be …

Christmas vat of fat

As the Christmas season descends upon us, it is impossible to escape the fat and food shaming that has become such a pervasive aspect of our culture that even the holidays are apparently not immune. Oh, I guess I’ll eat this cookie, but I’m going to be so fat thanks to Christmas. I’m definitely going to have …

on writing

My last post was actually supposed to contain a hilarious anecdote about my time living at that farmhouse with my dad and all the critters I had and how he helped me deal with the loss of pets as a child. But I got so caught up in the backstory that I never got there. …