crawl forward

Most of what I write has some deep life lesson embedded in it, which is rarely intentional. But in twenty-nine short years I have learned more about life, love, and loss than many people learn in a lifetime. Pondering and processing loss tends to lead one to think about life and love. The three are … [Read more…]

two months

Yesterday marked two months since my mom’s death. The vastness that stretches between that day and this one is insurmountable and impossible to articulate. It is a space too large to be filled with my sadness, with the shattered bits of my broken heart and the broken hearts of my sisters. Going for two days … [Read more…]

Fenton’s last breaths

Earlier this week I was spending some time with the rattie boys. They were gone for several weeks following my mom’s death, and I have a fair amount of parental guilt surrounding that. While I know this was best for them and for me, I still struggle with relinquishing them for a time. They are … [Read more…]

holy smokes

Last night I went out with friends and I smoked a cigarette. This coming Wednesday would have been the five year mark since I quit smoking. I have never craved it since I quit, have rarely battled the urge to take a drag. Mostly I’ve thought it was gross and have steered clear of even … [Read more…]

grieving on a jet plane

Grieving is such challenging work. Tomorrow marks six weeks since we buried our mother. I can feel some people groaning, shifting uncomfortably at that. So you’re still having feelings about that? Do we have to talk about it?  Yes. Yes, we do. Or at least *I* do. Because it’s not over. There is no such … [Read more…]